BDSM: My initial Journey

This is the second post in the previously mentioned series. While it's not necessary to read the posts one after the other in order to understand what I or a lot of lifestylers / kinksters like me, go through, it will certainly help to read the previous post and have a perspective.

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Though I’ve described my BDSM journey in the previous post in brief, I feel it might be right to elucidate more on, how exactly I came to terms with my inclinations for Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, Masochism, Kink and alternative lifestyle. BDSM in India is never an easy journey. It wasn't one for me. Specially because I sought in a slightly non-conventional way.

It is important to know that my perspective might be different from many more who might share similar tendencies and inclinations. This difference basically comes from the fact that most people first experience sex. Then they use kink to spice up their sex life, experiment more with bondage or sadomasochism and then finally they try to explore the psychology and theory behind it. 

However, in my case the enigma is that I haven’t had penetrative sex yet. So, in technical sexual terms I stand a virgin. Most people find it difficult to understand how I could explore BDSM even though I am a virgin. I had thought it should be something common when you look at BDSM trends in India, but it was proved in due course to me that it wasn't exactly so.

However, once you can as a reader or a fellow kinkster or a lifestyler who indulges in practices of BDSM accept this coming from a sexual virgin, you might find an interesting point or two.

So, coming back to my initial journey, my BDSM journey started with reading, like I previously discussed. I read crazily, hungrily, trying to absorb and imbibe everything I read but that didn’t affect my sensibilities. True, some aspects of BDSM like hard core bondage, severe masochism, abusive sadism and consensual slavery scared me. But, then at the same time, there were a lot of factors that made a lot of sense. Way back then I found a lot of symbolic, philosophical and metaphorical similarities in BDSM practices and the culture of India.

In the initial days, I said I was a slave. But I also said that I was into only slavery and not into pain, sexual submission or BDSM itself for that matter. But looking at it in retrospect I think it came from a deep seated dissatisfaction from religious submission. I had been to ISKCON, I had experienced the kind of brain wash most other religious sects do, especially to someone who has more than one creative talents. And I was disappointed. In India, BDSM isn't something talked of openly, not even with the tech savvy generation coming out. So, someone relating both would probably be a horror. For me, this however happened without any conscious effort.

I was disappointed with religion because what had started as a willing submission was taking a route to forced surrender and not to the Supreme Personality but also His representatives and their representatives and theirs to follow further. The hierarchy of dominance was too much to deal with at that time for me. And I was too independent and strong-willed a woman to let them try and penetrate every aspect of my life. It was spiritual but the force made it mental and emotional sadism for me. Now, that is one thing I’ve always loathed.

They all tend and try to convert you to a tool of their pleasure and their goals. The question is whose tools you wish to submit to; and whether you wish to submit to their purpose at all or not.

I realized that submission is a very important part of my life, of myself, of who I am and what I wanted from my life. It had been long years of craving, asking people to scold me because I needed to be scolded. Miss perfect, as I was, or as I was assumed to be, I needed to relinquish that control, not while having my ‘anarthas’(or flaws as ISKCON people called them) denied, but to be guided through them. I did not even know I was kinky, before I discovered it. 

At the same time, I was also reading some pirated copies of Gor by John Norman(not something I’m proud of and no longer do I possess those copies). I actually went ahead to start a blog called the Golokean Kajira. There still are times when I think of Gods and Goddesses as the Heads of the household (a FM and a FW) and then a long hierarchy of slaves, both male-bodied and female-bodied. But then the same thing starts coming to me more as a hierarchy too much for me to deal with and I stop.

I realized submission TO women like would not come easy as I would always resist Dominance, question and re-question and dissect and re-dissect an idea, an instruction around 1000s of times before obeying it.

I wanted Bondage of mind, submission to those who earned it. Call them flowery ideas if you will, but I did not want to submit to just any Tom, Dick (pun intended) or Harry. And I didn’t believe that sensible people existed. After all, if they wanted to do to people what I wanted to be done to me, they should be as sick as I am. Right? For me only the Dominance of a sensible, sane, mature, educated, versatile genius would make sense.

To me it was all mental, nothing physical and nothing sexual in any way. And I was in my head sure that I will NEVER find people who correspond to this mindset. So, I went ahead and read, read and read, weeping myself to bed every night, praying to the Super Soul if there was one (deep within, I’m a believer, so I believed there is one), to help me find someone I could talk to.

Things have changed sure, I am better supported now, than I was years ago in my journey. However, that doesn't mean that my journey doesn't push my boundary every now and then :)

© Asmi Uniqus 2016

BDSM : My discovery

I am often asked about how did I discover kink. I have tried to explain my journey to a lot of fellow enthusiasts but my own personal growth is something that's so intimate that its tough to shape in words that could fully explain. So, I have tried to write a few posts, that I had published on one of my other blogs at one point. This is the first in the series.

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I was born, brought up and raised in a usual, conservative, religious, pious, Indian household. We wouldn't obviously know what BDSM means :) Raised in a very loving family, my parents, specially my father, brought me up as a free-minded individual. I wouldn't have then even thought then, that there'll be a day when I'd find myself in a world apparently so different from mine. But deep in my heart, I always knew I was interested in submission, though I didn't even know what the word could mean.

My family has never been a typical family. Neither in terms of the way they raise kids, nor in the way sex and sexuality is discussed in our household. We might not talk of kink, sexual acts, LGBT or BDSM inclinations etc. but we do talk of HIV, herpes, thalassemia, importance of sexual awareness, the pros and cons of pre-marital counseling etc. And I'm actually proud to admit that my family has a pretty broad-minded (I did not use the term 'open-minded)  view about this.

It's difficult for one to admit, embrace their sexuality openly. Specially when one is raised with so much of love. Difficult to come to terms with the fact that the way one sought submission has changed. It was the same for me.

The first time I used the word Dominant/submissive in my context I was barely 16. I used the terms in a very harmless non-sexual manner. I was actually thinking of relinquishing non-sexual control. I had in my tiny head, no sexual connotation attached to it.

But, I was reprimanded by the person (a teacher 8 years my senior), for using the term. However, they chose not to enlighten me about BDSM. Probably they them-self didn't know about alternative lifestyle. I remember how I would go around seeking scoldings, reprimands from everyone elder to me, even though I was publicly known as a strong woman. It was difficult for people to believe that I was anything that they would perceive as weak, immature, incapable or not so strong. It was actually frustrating :)

Bypassing the long 22 years before I finally discovered BDSM, let me share how did I actually manage to find it. I broke up from a long distance vanilla, Type-A boyfriend. I was unable to deal with the grief, the loneliness and surprisingly one of my female colleagues advised me to watch porn.

As disgusted as I tried to look with the idea, I was intrigued. I finally gathered my guts around before I got my first taste of porn and that was the day that changed everything around for me.

Link after link, I clicked only to land on a hard core, BDSM porn site. I got freaked out and ran away from there, almost swearing to myself that I will never again watch porn. Little did I know that curiosity kills  the cat and I will return again. Only to leave again and then return again and again, till I embrace that truth about me which repelled me then.

And then I found those terms. BDSM, Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism, Kink, Alternative lifestyle and the rest. I used google, yahoo chat rooms, and other similar resources.

On yahoo, someone mentioned Gor and Gorean culture and when I googled it and also explored kajira.org, I eventually ended up discovering more about irc. I found people willing to discuss there, most of them, in fact almost all of them, not from India.

I read, thought, discussed online, read more, thought more and discussed more for a long 2-3 years. It was then that I could even come to terms with my desires and know for myself that even though I may choose not to indulge in BDSM, it is OK to desire such things.

The later years made me move on to kink websites, social networking websites on kink, interact more with people, and then slowly find some people in India as well.

My life has had it's own share of BDSM, consensual sessions (finally), being judgmental of others' kink (to my embarrassment)  and being judged for who I am (a prude virgin who'd want pain but wouldn't fuck, to my anger).

I've over time found people who wouldn't judge me for my desires, who'd stand by me in my really troubled times and even those who'd ditch me just like the so-called 'vanilla' people. I guess the journey has been tiring, troublesome, tough, but rewarding. And it has taught me that people will always be people :)

In a nutshell though, I'm happy I had my share and continue to have more of what I call an adventurous, enlightening journey full of sharing and love, though expressed in a different manner.



© Asmi Uniqus 2016

Popping Cherries and Eden's Apples

As sex deprived as we maybe, let’s accept it for a fact that 50 shades of grey has become increasingly popular. However, before I really talk of 50 shades of gray and kinky fuckery, I want to do a reality check. Are we even aware of what the V-card really means? Or what does losing it mean for that matter?

What is virginity?

• It’s the cover of my wee – wee? Well, no, that’s your foreskin, not your virginity.

• It’s the tiny little button in my girl parts? Nope again, That's your clit, darling!

• Is it the piece of tissue called the hymen inside my vagina? Well done Sherlock ! But hey, wait. That's hymen, not virginity!

Well, you’re partially right – Virginity in girls is the state of having that tissue intact. But what if the tissue is broken for various other reasons; or in rare cases when a girl was born about it?

And then... boys are also supposed to be virgins too. No? I mean they don’t have girl parts and they don’t have a hymen either. Then what makes them virgin?

Well well well! Then let’s check what do experts say, shall we?

Most experts agree that virginity is not a particular tissue in your body, but the state of your sexual exploration. Effectively, what they’re saying is that virginity is about whether or not have you had a sexual experience. Now sexual experience is not limited to the P in the V,  but it also includes other forms of sexual experiences. The discussion can actually be enough material for a separate post if you want.

Personally I think virginity is over rated; unless being a virgin or for that matter, not being one, affects you negatively. I mean honestly, how many of us are bothered about the issue of the tissue really?

Still, virginity is usually determined by the hymen being intact or broken in women and there’s no certainty that this test will be accurate. A lot of women lose their hymen post menstruation because of sports or physical activity. They don’t even notice it.

I mean who’s got the time to keep exploring and focusing on one single cave, when we have the entire Ajanta and Ellora to explore? With men, it’s even funnier. The only way to identify whether a guy is a virgin or not is to ask him. How funny :)

I personally feel the entire V-card hype is all about the moral and the religious conditioning we’re brought up with. Like John Oldman says in the movie The Man from Earth –

"And that's what I taught, but a talking snake made a lady eat an apple, so we're screwed."

I would say screw or not, pop cherries, eat apples, do whatever you want to do. Just make wise and informed choices and enjoy!

Watch out for the next post !

Till later :)

© Asmi Uniqus 2016