Myth Buster 2 - A sub is a victim

As a seasoned submissive, I am often asked what drives me towards submission. Also, when potential partners approach me, they tend to think that I am a victim and a weak woman, so I need to be either protected or that I can be exploited. These assumptions couldn't be farther from the truth.

The truth is, a submissive is not a victim. They are not being taken advantage of. Sure, there are women and men who are vulnerable. A submissive is often very aware of why and who are they with. The fact is, as a submissive, we don't need to be saved from some imaginary abusive dominant. We fully realize that it's a big, bad world out there.

The choice to indulge in any activity where we welcome and embrace pain at the hands of a certain sadist, doesn't make us masochists victims against our will.

People, we value your concern, believe us we do. But remember,our keywords are Safe, Sane and Consensual.

Just because we do not conform to some of your rules and norms, doesn't mean that we cease to be well-informed, consenting adults who understand what we're getting into.

I do not deny that there are so many battered women and children across the country that it is easy to feel specially worried about the submissive types. However, if you ask us multiple times and we tell you we are fine, please don't nag.

If there are no obvious signs of distress and / abuse, please do not try to convince us that we don't know what we might be getting into. Believe it or not, we sub types are actually far more efficient at recognizing sociopaths. Let me put it this way :)

Let me reiterate again... BDSM is consensual. Whether SSC or RACK, we understand the risks.

We love and appreciate the compassion you send our way. However, for a lot of us, these are neither kinky games, not fucked up minds, but a choice about the way we want to live our relationships. As long as you can respect it as a preference for black coffee over brown, we'll get along, just fine :)

Much love,
Asmi

© Asmi Uniqus 2017

100 Rules of Tough Love - Rule 2

Rule 2 - Don't Do it For Rebound aka Velcro Collars

D/s is intense. One of the reasons a lot of Ds practitioners are seen in what we call 'velcro collars' is because they do collars while still in rebound. I mean, let's face it people; breaking up from simple vanilla relationships is so frekkin difficult, this is an entirely different league we're talking about.

Think of it. This woman or man knew your kinks,  how much pain you liked or disliked to get turned on, whether or you enjoy being tied up, or being called names, or blindfolds. They didn't judge you, they didn't call you a freak. In public or in the intimate space that you shared, as your partner, they accepted you for what otherwise would get you labled as a pervert.

And you hope to hop on to a new train before you've even fully gotten off the first one?

Collars are to be respected my friend. In the Indian context think of a 'MangalSutra'. Would you wear anyone's mangalsutra randomly? Would you put it on any neck randomly? Would you exchange rings or garlands with anyone? If not, why would you do that with collars?

Just because it was a BDSM relationship, it doesn't have to be causal? It doesn't have to be all about kinky sex or play sessions? It is important to heal before you meet the next submissive or the next Mr. Grey.

As a submissive, when I am in a BDSM-centric relationship, I trust my Dominant more than I do when I'm dating a regular guy. I obey my Dom much more than a lover. A Dominant isn't my next tinder date. A dominant 'AT TIMES' even has the ability to restrict me from watching TV or pleasuring myself. Does a Boyfriend have that privilege? Well, certainly not.

However, this also means that my bond with a D/s partner is way intense as compared to a lover. This also means, that before entering a new relationship, I need to ensure that I am fully over the previous one.

As a Dominant on the other hand, I am responsible for my submissive's well being. If my anger, my hurt, my boredom is what is driving a session, do I consider myself emotionally fully caring and responsible for my submissive? Well, I can only speak for myself. And no, at such times, I would rather refrain from any activity that gives me a high, including BDSM.

It's really simple. When in a break up, don't rebound, don't drink, don't do BDSM untill you relatively heal. Same goes for the partners you pick as well, so as you are not set up.

Remember, some people's genuine kink is vulnerability. Others, abuse it. Some cannot stand it. You may end up with the wrong partner and miss out on the right one, if you do not allow yourself to settle down.

So hide in a corner if you have to. Socialize with friends if you have to. Heck, even take a break from all sorts of BDSM activity, including reading, watching porn, munches, socials, anything else.

First ? Heal! Tough Love Comes later, my love :)

To those of you who are healing...

Much Love,
© Asmi Uniqus 2017

100 Rules of Tough Love - Rule 1

Let's Look at something else as well. What are the rules for Tough Love? What are the rules to find BDSM relationships, to be in them, to nurture and fulfill them and yourself? Well, I am trying to list 100 of them. Here they begin:

Rule Number 1 - Be Authentic, Be Yourself

Authenticity is one of the major differences between vanilla and BDSM relationships. In fact, I must say it's one of the major differences between fulfilling and non-fulfilling relationships. Just because a lot of literature, porn as well as people try to project BDSM as roleplay, it is no reason to be anything else but yourself when you're looking for a BDSM relationship. The fact is that BDSM and tough love has as many shades as people who practice it.

Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Taken - Oscar Wilde

Let me ask you this. Do you even know where you are on BDSM spectrum? If yes, great. If no, then find out. It's not IMPOSSIBLE. It's tough, oh hell, yes, it is tough! Takes a lot of effort, a lot of time, a lot of sincerity. However, it certainly is not impossible.

If you're confused, acknowledge that you're confused. Being confused isn't a sin. Being confused isn't a crime. It's just a state of being. It's OK.

The risk with being anything but yourself is that the other person may take you for more seasoned than you may be, or less seasoned than you maybe. In BDSM, this misreading can have direct consequences on your health and safety.

What if someone took you to be a heavy masochist because you weren't being your scared, self and then ended up giving you more pain than you could handle?

What if someone took you for a naive idiot and tried to take you for a ride, or violate your consent by trying to manipulate you under the pretext of consensual non-consent?

What when you are misled and end up trusting a person because they lied about their experience, only to know that you agreed to do breath play with someone who could send you to coma?

So for your own sake and that of your partner/s, please Be Yourself.

With love,
© Asmi Uniqus 2017