Establishing Boundaries - 2 (Grief)

TW – Grief, death.

Grief knows none! 

I think that it is grief alone that knows no boundaries. 

 As I started writing this series on boundaries, I went down the rabbit hole thinking how many of them were violated and how many times. About how I had to learn to establish some boundaries more than others. About how I had to let go of some people because they would refuse to respect my boundaries. And also, about how I had to let go of some people because their other people could not respect boundaries.

I thought of the unbridled tears that had practically washed my face for months in the metro after I lost someone close, and tried to keep myself in check at home, at work, and every place else. 

And that brought to front some of the saddest losses in my life. A friend I wished I had been more in touch with during their last stages. Another whom I had just patched up with before I lost them to a sudden cardiac arrest. 

And, as I write this piece, I burst into silent tears, even though I am sitting in a café. 

Further, as I think of my personal loss, I wonder if there are any boundaries to human connection really? Does collective grief not unite even strangers. I think of Covid. I think of deaths, I think of sickness, I think of so many pyres burning together. I think of the farmers’ protests and the profound sadness that had engulfed the collective consciousness those days. 

And then I thought of the wars. Communal hatred, the oppression of one country by another. I thought of how people fight in the name of religion, nationalism, caste, creed, increasingly in the gender. And it took my thoughts back to privilege, power, and abuse of power. 

I think of people who would use power and logic, and verbal prowess, and manipulation as tools to abuse others’ trust. 

I shiver. 

I think of how boundaries protect people from narcs, abusers, predators, etc. And then I settle for the fact that boundaries are important. 

I am wondering at the moment if death is the only real, true, ultimate boundary. 

But, I know better.

In shared grief, humanity sometimes draws a different kind of boundary. The boundary of unified solidarity. 

That boundary, or the lack of it, I will take any day.

And till I come back from the precipice of that boundary, that edge, 

Stay safe. Play well.

Asmi

Establishing Boundaries - 1

 While it's been a long time, no see, and I will definitely catch up on the backlog, here's something new...

Some one recently asked me to share my insights about boundaries and establishing them – both in kink and otherwise.

I think having strong boundaries is a function of a lot of things. It’s a combination of how we’ve been raised, what we have learnt in regard to power, authority, autonomy, and even emotions like loneliness etc.  It is also about self-discovery and the sense of being sure or not sure about what one wants or doesn’t.

Since it’s easiest to take my own example, that’s the subjective reference I will use to demonstrate what I wrote above. In my experience, the first step to establishing boundaries is the freedom and ability to say a no.

I was raised in a conventional family. This means, a dominating father and a docile, submissive mother. The usual as well as finer internalized layers of patriarchy and misogyny permeating our very existence.

That said, early on in my life, I was allowed to question everything, anything, and anyone I wanted, including my father. I think that’s a curse of democratic parents – They are the first authority their children question. In retrospect, I can now see the struggle my father faced on a daily basis.

There is this particular incident I remember vividly. I must have been 9 or something. I was with my father at his workplace, and he found a book for me to read in the library, He brought it to me to see if I was interested in reading it (Yeah, one of the few privileges I had was a VERY SOLID foundation in education for life). I said – I didn’t want to read it.

The librarian was surprised and blurted – Beta, you should not refuse your father’s suggestion! I didn’t know how to respond to that statement, so I looked to my father. He responded on my behalf – Ma’am, I think it’s OK. I trust her choices in this sense. I have made her read enough by now (I used to read 100 full-length books a year by then – Mostly well-curated fiction classics), to ask her for her opinion and for me to respect her choices even if I might not like them.

The two of them got into a more detailed discussion about how my father was OK with me calling out people, or my freedom to disagree, or to point out if I thought they were wrong. Even if it was my own father. Beyond this I got bored and submerged myself in another book, and didn’t register the rest of the conversation.

But this I think is the beginning of me establishing my boundaries. The fact that a parent asked me what my preferences / boundaries were, and they did not let another adult question them. The fact that I had the freedom to say ‘no. The fact that my judgement was trusted and there was a basis for it, beyond me being my father’s daughter.

All these were the early seeds of a lot of what I said in the earlier part of this piece.

Now some of us may not have experienced these snippets of privilege. My response to that is – Any learning (like coding, language), even EQ, or for that matter even establishing boundaries – is a function of practice. It’s like building a muscle that you weren’t aware existed. It exists, it can be learnt, it needs to be practiced.

The first step to do that is to give yourself the grace and freedom to say no. Oh sure, it shouldn’t be rebelling without a reason to rebel. It shouldn’t be a ‘no’ even when there’s value in the suggestion. It shouldn’t be a ‘no’ for the mere heck of it. However, before anything else, you need to ask yourself – Can you say a no?

If not, that’s the first thing you need to learn – You’re an individual and while your ‘no’ will have consequences, it is your fundamental right to be able to say it when you need / want to.

I will take it further from here in the next piece. Till then,

Happy intimacy

Asmi

 

After 10 years, I am not sure if I love him anymore.

Hi Asmi,

We’ve been married together for 10 years. We were love married to begin with and have successful careers and a great friendship. Our family and friends think we’re an amazing couple. But after 10 years, I am not sure if I love him anymore. The sex is infrequent too. We still care for each other and I feel guilty that I don’t love him the same way as I did once. I wonder how can I fix this? 

Imperfect and ashamed

Dear Real-and-beautiful,

Yes, I chose that name for you because I think that’s who you are. Real and honest about how you feel and beautiful on the inside.

First off, thank you for acknowledging that something is amiss. It’s important to acknowledge that something isn’t how it used to be, or how you would want it to be. However, it is critical for you to resolve the emotional upheaval your feelings are causing in you.

I am sure you already know this, but I will repeat – people change all the time. So does love.

You’ve loved each other for 10 years. Been with each other, had arguments, heated debates hopefully, and have made love to each other passionately, am sure. I do not know if you have children together, but if you do, then you’ve both crossed that milestone together too. 

In the process, you’ve changed. Tremendously. Together and individually, you as well as your husband have changed. And, so has your love.

You see, love comes in multiple forms.

When we’re young, it often comes as infatuation. Later sometime as desire, then as lust, and with a special person or more, as romance. It comes in the form of affection, care, commitment, giving, intense sexual attraction. Love also sometimes comes in the form of unhealthy obsession, manipulation or abuse. Add to it the fact that love and its forms change as people change. 

Is it possible that you might be considering this change as fading out of the chemistry? Have you spoken to your partner about it yet? Have you tried to find new ways of reigniting your spark together? Maybe you both want to take a small vacation together? 

Perhaps you just want to book yourselves an OYO for a weekend getaway, even if in the same city. Or, you might want to explore the sensual rather than the sexual or the emotional rather than the sensual? Go learn dancing together or take up running or jogging with each other every evening and reconnect with each other.

While I have listed a few things, you can do to spark and reignite the love you once shared, let me emphasize again. You both need to talk first. It is very possible that he doesn’t even feel like your love is fading. It’s also possible that he also feels the same way and wants to rediscover your love, but is hesitating in telling you. So the first step is to buckle up and speak to him gently about it. I’m sure you will discover another facet of the love you both share. 

Much Love,

Asmi

The People I meet

Today, let’s talk a bit about the people I meet. I am socially extremely active. At one point I was almost a serial dating enthusiast. That said, I still meet one person outside my family, every day. I try to meet at least 3 new people a week. I must admit, I have slowed down much. Over last decade and more, I have met at least 2000 + men. 

The truth is that I end up meeting men lot more than I meet women. This is true for multiple reasons. In this post, I will try and share some insight into how and what platforms do I meet people from; what kind of people; why more men than women; and some common categories in which these people can be classified.

I meet people both online and offline. I am a very extrovert, easy to approach and communicative person. Or, so I have been told. I end up talking to my autorickshaw puller (some of you’re rolling your eyes right now). I do that as a rule. I have learnt over time that the road side fruit seller, the grocery store keeper, the server at the restaurant, the maid that cleans up for the next-door neighbours, are some of the most insightful people I have met. 

When I say I meet one new person a day, it means, I sit down, have a heart to heart, coffee or a meal with them and see what can be done to drive value to their life, or for that matter, mine. I have done that with men from tinder, men and women I came to know at my poetry open mics, candidates I interviewed but didn’t hire, meet up groups, my local Buddhism congregation, my social media acquaintances, temples, parks, dating apps, professional networks and even anonymous apps like Whisper for that matter.

My rule is simple. There are stories to be told, stories waiting to be heard. I want to be one of the people doing that. 

Do I talk to all these people about sexuality? Not necessarily, but in some or the other form, yes. In some or the other form. My maid talks to me of her reproductive health. The auto guys talk to me about their families and I divert the conversation to their wives and other women folk in their family. The direction of the conversation usually goes to their daughters, safety of women, feminism, communication, sexual discourse and more. 

My tinder and other dates are invariably at some point intrigued and interested in my lifestyle. 99.9% days I come back alone. I am not really a hookup person. I do hope though, that I leave them with some food for thought. I certainly come back with enough. 

I usually pay for my share of the coffee. I do not drink more than twice a year, and certainly not with strangers. Once on my birthday and once when something major life-changing event happens. Otherwise I do not drink. Period. There are very few people who can convince me for a drink.

I meet more men than woman because honestly, I do not choose that. Most women on tinder, do not swipe back on me :P Heck, their settings make it impossible for me to even see them. I work with an all-women’s team at one of the clients. Rest of the clients are mostly men, because I work with smaller businesses and usually I work only with the founder / promoter levels. 

Apart from that, the other social avenues usually have a larger ratio of men. My schoolmates are dispersed around the country and are mostly married and mothers, so not as easily available to interact as I would like. I do associate with women on the Sheroes apps and their whatsapp groups and through couchsurfing and in my various spiritual / religious congregations, but again the numbers are few. Not something I control, really.

Classification of people, is a subject best dealt in detail of its own. So, let’s address that in another post someday, I guess 😊

Till then, happy reading and traveling on your paths.

Much love,

Asmi     

© Asmi Uniqus 2018

Who is Asmi

Some of you have read a bit about me here and there. Others have asked me questions. Some others have given me enough attention and have tried to read my work, my posts and figure out a bit about me. So, I have finally decided to come out to an extent and write this short post. I will try and answer some of the common questions that readers and acquaintances or or new BDSM enthusiasts tend to ask me.

1. Am I a woman?

Yes, I am a biological woman, who is very happy to identify as one. In that sense I am not queer. That said, I have experimented with my bisexuality, so technically that makes me queer. My preference is for my heterosexuality and I am naturally attracted to men. That said, if I do meet very interesting women, women who are capable and experienced Dominants in their behaviour, practice and meet all other parameters emotionally, intellectually, ethically, socially etc. I may consider them as potential partners.

2. Am I single?

Yes, I have never been married. I am a polyamorous person and I identify as what is commonly called as solo-poly. Which means an individual who does not practice polyamory as a couple, but as an independent individual. This means that at a given point, I may or may not have a partner with whom I am romantically attached.

3. Am I looking?

At this moment, I am not actively looking. I am happy to meet people and if I really like someone, I am not shy in telling them. However, like every one else, I am also selective about who I share my intimacy, emotional and sexual energy with. At this moment, my work, my projects and my writing take a priority. This priority is superseded by only my health or my immediate family.

That said, I am not close to the idea of a mature person and their companionship, where I feel that both of us will be able to support each other’s growth as individuals and partners.

4. Am I a professional Dominatrix or a professional Submissive?

No. My bills are paid through very mainstream writing. I write business content for corporate houses, NGOs, CXOs and marketing / digital agencies. I also help startups with content and communications strategy. Due to my previous work experience in operations, I sometimes do consult smaller businesses or coach individuals on how to streamline their business or professional performance.

I do coach people on the deeper aspects of BDSM on the side, where I accept students / mentees extremely selectively. I do charge for my time, but the objective is simply to make trainees take the curriculum seriously, because I take a lot of time to structure personalized, customized courses.

5.  Do I meet people?

Yes, very happily. I am generally very happy to meet new people and see what value can we drive in the world together. I meet people through all sorts of online and offline platforms. That said, I do respect some social and ethical boundaries that I have designed for myself over 12 years of social and intimate interactions with people. Like all of you, I do not like drama in my life and so I do tend to block a lot of people too. It doesn’t make me very happy but I do it when required.

6. Am I a bitch / slut / whore / yada yada?

The fact that I wrote this question here and chose not to dignify it with an answer, is response enough 😊

Happy reading and do share your thoughts,

Asmi

© Asmi Uniqus 2018