Establishing Boundaries - 2 (Grief)

TW – Grief, death.

Grief knows none! 

I think that it is grief alone that knows no boundaries. 

 As I started writing this series on boundaries, I went down the rabbit hole thinking how many of them were violated and how many times. About how I had to learn to establish some boundaries more than others. About how I had to let go of some people because they would refuse to respect my boundaries. And also, about how I had to let go of some people because their other people could not respect boundaries.

I thought of the unbridled tears that had practically washed my face for months in the metro after I lost someone close, and tried to keep myself in check at home, at work, and every place else. 

And that brought to front some of the saddest losses in my life. A friend I wished I had been more in touch with during their last stages. Another whom I had just patched up with before I lost them to a sudden cardiac arrest. 

And, as I write this piece, I burst into silent tears, even though I am sitting in a café. 

Further, as I think of my personal loss, I wonder if there are any boundaries to human connection really? Does collective grief not unite even strangers. I think of Covid. I think of deaths, I think of sickness, I think of so many pyres burning together. I think of the farmers’ protests and the profound sadness that had engulfed the collective consciousness those days. 

And then I thought of the wars. Communal hatred, the oppression of one country by another. I thought of how people fight in the name of religion, nationalism, caste, creed, increasingly in the gender. And it took my thoughts back to privilege, power, and abuse of power. 

I think of people who would use power and logic, and verbal prowess, and manipulation as tools to abuse others’ trust. 

I shiver. 

I think of how boundaries protect people from narcs, abusers, predators, etc. And then I settle for the fact that boundaries are important. 

I am wondering at the moment if death is the only real, true, ultimate boundary. 

But, I know better.

In shared grief, humanity sometimes draws a different kind of boundary. The boundary of unified solidarity. 

That boundary, or the lack of it, I will take any day.

And till I come back from the precipice of that boundary, that edge, 

Stay safe. Play well.

Asmi

Establishing Boundaries - 1

 While it's been a long time, no see, and I will definitely catch up on the backlog, here's something new...

Some one recently asked me to share my insights about boundaries and establishing them – both in kink and otherwise.

I think having strong boundaries is a function of a lot of things. It’s a combination of how we’ve been raised, what we have learnt in regard to power, authority, autonomy, and even emotions like loneliness etc.  It is also about self-discovery and the sense of being sure or not sure about what one wants or doesn’t.

Since it’s easiest to take my own example, that’s the subjective reference I will use to demonstrate what I wrote above. In my experience, the first step to establishing boundaries is the freedom and ability to say a no.

I was raised in a conventional family. This means, a dominating father and a docile, submissive mother. The usual as well as finer internalized layers of patriarchy and misogyny permeating our very existence.

That said, early on in my life, I was allowed to question everything, anything, and anyone I wanted, including my father. I think that’s a curse of democratic parents – They are the first authority their children question. In retrospect, I can now see the struggle my father faced on a daily basis.

There is this particular incident I remember vividly. I must have been 9 or something. I was with my father at his workplace, and he found a book for me to read in the library, He brought it to me to see if I was interested in reading it (Yeah, one of the few privileges I had was a VERY SOLID foundation in education for life). I said – I didn’t want to read it.

The librarian was surprised and blurted – Beta, you should not refuse your father’s suggestion! I didn’t know how to respond to that statement, so I looked to my father. He responded on my behalf – Ma’am, I think it’s OK. I trust her choices in this sense. I have made her read enough by now (I used to read 100 full-length books a year by then – Mostly well-curated fiction classics), to ask her for her opinion and for me to respect her choices even if I might not like them.

The two of them got into a more detailed discussion about how my father was OK with me calling out people, or my freedom to disagree, or to point out if I thought they were wrong. Even if it was my own father. Beyond this I got bored and submerged myself in another book, and didn’t register the rest of the conversation.

But this I think is the beginning of me establishing my boundaries. The fact that a parent asked me what my preferences / boundaries were, and they did not let another adult question them. The fact that I had the freedom to say ‘no. The fact that my judgement was trusted and there was a basis for it, beyond me being my father’s daughter.

All these were the early seeds of a lot of what I said in the earlier part of this piece.

Now some of us may not have experienced these snippets of privilege. My response to that is – Any learning (like coding, language), even EQ, or for that matter even establishing boundaries – is a function of practice. It’s like building a muscle that you weren’t aware existed. It exists, it can be learnt, it needs to be practiced.

The first step to do that is to give yourself the grace and freedom to say no. Oh sure, it shouldn’t be rebelling without a reason to rebel. It shouldn’t be a ‘no’ even when there’s value in the suggestion. It shouldn’t be a ‘no’ for the mere heck of it. However, before anything else, you need to ask yourself – Can you say a no?

If not, that’s the first thing you need to learn – You’re an individual and while your ‘no’ will have consequences, it is your fundamental right to be able to say it when you need / want to.

I will take it further from here in the next piece. Till then,

Happy intimacy

Asmi